top of page

Why a Parent's Anxiety is a Red Herring in Family Law Matters Involving Domestic Violence.

In family law cases involving allegations of domestic violence, there's a real risk that domestic violence can be obscured or minimized by focusing on the emotional state of the victim parent—often labelled as 'anxiety.' It is vital to be aware of this potential trap, as it can perpetuate victim-blaming and divert attention from the real issues that desperately need to be addressed.

Parental Anxiety in Context

It's important to start by acknowledging that psychological research does demonstrate a link between a parent's emotional state, especially anxiety, and their child's emotional state. However, context is everything. In households impacted by domestic violence, anxiety is both an uninvited and distressing byproduct and a valuable warning system that alerts the parent and the child to the genuine dangers in their environment. Think of it like a sensitive fire alarm. Its sensitivity becomes an essential safety feature in a setting with a high risk of fire. Similarly, the heightened 'alert state' of a caregiver—and, by extension, the child—in a domestic violence context is often a crucial survival mechanism.

The Anxiety Red Herring

An argument often put forth by the abusive parent focuses on the primary caregiver's anxiety as the "real issue" affecting the child, rather than their own aggressive behavior. This line of reasoning may include claims that the victim parent is "overprotective," "enmeshed with the child," "babies the child," or "downloads their anxiety onto the child." Some abusive parents will attribute the child's intense need for the safer parent to 'separation anxiety,' effectively blaming the child as well. These claims serve as a red herring, diverting attention away from the core issue of domestic violence, thereby jeopardizing the safety and well-being of both the caregiver and the child.

Children's Perceptiveness Overlooked

Children are far more perceptive than they are often given credit for. Research indicates that up to 80% of children are aware of domestic violence in their homes, making it a poorly kept "family secret." However, this awareness often remains hidden in public settings for various reasons. Children don't merely pick up on the emotional states of their caregivers; they also have their own direct experiences and observations. Assuming that their distress or anxiety stems solely from the primary caregiver is not just an oversimplification; it's another red herring that could have severe consequences.

Victim-Blaming Disguised as Concern

Arguing that the primary caregiver's emotional state is the core issue places an unreasonable burden on the primary caregiver, who is already a victim of abuse. This line of reasoning subtly or explicitly suggests that they are responsible for their child's emotional distress, effectively shifting blame away from the abusive parent. Additionally, blaming the child for what is often labeled as 'separation anxiety' perpetuates the cycle of victim-blaming and provides a twisted rationale for suggesting that the child needs to spend more time with the abusive parent to "overcome" their anxiety. This dangerous argument risks further endangering both the child and the primary caregiver.

Pathologizing Resistance: How Victim Responses Are Misinterpreted as 'Flaws'

Be mindful that there is a real risk in family law cases, where domestic violence is alleged, of misinterpreting the natural responses of the victim—such as justified fear or concern for their safety—as signs of individual dysfunction. This reframing not only unfairly shifts the focus onto the victim but also diverts attention from the urgent issue of addressing and stopping the violence.

Such misinterpretations can have lasting repercussions, especially when these responses are viewed as emotional burdens that the victim parent imposes on the child. Rather than being understood as resistance and calls for safety, they risk being construed as problems that both stigmatize the victim and obscure the actual dynamics of domestic violence at play.

Enhancing Child and Parent Well-Being Through Informed Approaches

The well-being of children and the caregivers they rely on for safety should be at the forefront of every family law case, especially those involving allegations of domestic violence. Shifting blame onto the emotional state of victim parents jeopardizes these already vulnerable families' safety and mental health.

Domestic violence screenings can be a valuable tool for family lawyers to understand the dynamics at play better, and comprehensive assessments of domestic violence in all its many forms beyond the physical should be a standard part of parenting assessments.

Complemented by ongoing educational initiatives, these steps can contribute to a family law system that is more aware, effective, safe, and prioritizes the well-being of children.

Related Blogs:

Have you visited Co-Parenting College?



bottom of page